It is the first day of the month and yet I find myself struggling. I struggle with the lack of future that I can foresee for my life. I struggle with the lack of finances, lack of better job, and lack of working auto as well. I have called out for help from some brethren, that they may pray for God to make an intervention and supply for all of my needs. I am tired and cannot help to wonder what God intends to do with all of these things with which I struggle.
In my life, I have done many things. Some of them have taken me longer to accomplish than others, but eventually they came to be finished. I have had dreams and visions of the future I perceived God intended for my life. Some of those things have come to pass, if even for a short glimpse within my lifespan. For instance, the first three or so years after being born-again in Christ Jesus were quite impressive upon my life. It was during that time that I was actively working within many ministries as I learned to find my place in working for God. I can honestly say that my happiest time in Yeshua (Jesus) was when I worked with a missionary family as well as ministry work with college/university students. As for the years thereafter, I witnessed too many things within church leadership at diverse church congregations that I did not perceive line-up with scripture. At a certain point, I decided to step-back from being integrated and committed to any one congregation. Instead, I began to do more personal ministry work and attended both Bible studies and some services with a select number of congregations and groups of believers.
I am aware of the ordinances to continue to be in fellowship with the brethren. However. when attending a congregational service stays at the superficial level and there is no spiritual-depth in the fellowship, it is hard to continue to do so. The thing that grieves me the most is that their own leaders and committed congregation members have grown accustomed and comfortable with this way of being. I also have missed the presence of God at a service. When I was young believer, there were many times I could enter a temple or home of faith, and feel the presence of the Holy Spirit at the doorway! It was an incredible experience. Now a days, I have often found myself struggling to find the presence of God there. I don't seek emotions leading to a spiritual encounter with Him. I seek a spiritual encounter with Him; the emotions will come as result of the encounter. I often inquire about the persecuted church and believers around the world. I learn a lot from them. One of the things they often comment on is how North Americans are privileged to have so many things to encourage their faith, yet they do not know what it means to be in Yeshua through fellowship with the brethren, nor the cost of being His disciple. I long to be with brethren that share the depth of such fellowship, yet I am tired of looking for them. Are their any left in my city, I hope so, it is getting lonely out here.
Yesterday was a day I felt partly depressed and the other part oppressed. Regarding my current circumstances and experiences, I just don't know where I am with God. I have sought Him in the traditional ways and through brethren, yet I still have no direction. I began to wonder if this is it for me. Am I coming to the end of my lifespan here on earth and being prepared to go to Heaven? Is God intending to take me home to Yeshua before my parents, and both siblings and their family members? If so, should I be leaving instructions or things prepared for them to do when I am gone? What am I suppose to do when I perceive that I have accomplished the majority of the things God put in my heart to do? Do I just sit around and wait for Him to take me home, or do I do passive work through personal ministry work? What is a person suppose to do when they reach this state of being in their life?
If you have accepted Yeshua (Jesus) as your Lord and Savior as well as in good standing with God, then I ask that you pray for me soon. Please pray that Yeshua will increase my faith through this time. Please pray that the Holy Spirit will not be silent, but speak and encourage me by whatever means God chooses to do so. Please pray that God will clearly present and lead me as to what He desires for me to do. May our Lord Yeshua (Jesus) bless you and keep your for your work in advocating for me through prayer. Shalom (Peace).
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R. A. Gómez